Family

What is a family? There has been much talk about the changing face of family life. Traditionalists mourn the loss of the family unit resulting from the increase in divorce and family break up. It's heartbreaking to be in a family that breaks up, but need it be? The pain tends to come from three sources: one is animosity resulting in power-struggles, unpleasantness between individuals and exclusions of certain people, ostensibly to avoid such unpleasantness, from family gatherings. The second source of pain associated with family break ups tends to be social. People involved in a family break up feel they've done something wrong. They are no longer part of the norm, the traditional mum, dad and two kids package that society expects and supports. The third is economic. Often there are financial difficulties that arise when families break apart, the family home is sold, two homes must now be financed instead of one. Economically it doesn't make sense. So why does it happen and is it always a bad thing? Could it be less painful and less expensive if we had a different perspective on it?

I think that a new way of looking at family break up could make the impact on the individuals concerned less destructive. The first source of pain could be mitigated by acceptance. Acceptance that this is what is happening, so let's get on with it and make the best of it. Easier said than done, but by far the best approach.

The second source of pain could also be lessened by the same attitude of acceptance, but not just between individuals, from society as a whole. Life is complicated, there's no need to make it even harder, successful and happy contributing members of society come from all kinds of family backgrounds.

The third source of heartbreak associated with family break up is harder to tackle. Clearly it costs more money to run two households than it does to run one. Everyone must pull together to help members of their extended family that are suffering hardship of any kind.

The whole thing is improved with acceptance and gratitude. Today I am so very grateful for my huge, extended, broken and beautiful family. Human beings are all broken in places. With love and support, friendship, healing, medicine and some money, we can usually be mended.

Today is the 22nd birthday of my youngest daughter. She has divorced parents and divorced grandparents. Her mother lives in Sweden, her father in California. She has siblings in California; second cousins and great-aunts in Sweden; a grandfather, uncles, aunts and cousins in England. And, she is not just surviving, but thriving. I couldn't be more proud of her and her siblings, nor more happy that Lili is with me in Sweden to celebrate her birthday today.

What makes today even better is that my brother and two of his sons are also here, staying in my house. In addition to this, as if it weren't enough, I feel supported and loved by my huge extended family here in Sweden and in England and in the USA. Love doesn't end at the border between one country and another. Didn't we learn that when Berlin was split in two by a wall at the end of WW2? It's in the nature of human beings and nations to need boundaries and borders, but it's also in the nature of human beings to love with a love that crosses all boundaries, all borders, including that between life and death.

This is dedicated with love and gratitude to my mother, Lili's grandmother, Gulvie, without whom none of us would be here to celebrate today.